TV Channels, Stop Saying This Is "Bengaluru's Shame"

During lunch time, the TV was on at work. An English news channel had this emblazoned across the top of the screen: "Bengaluru Shamed Again." I switched channels. Similar headline. This was the second time in about as many days that I was seeing "shame" and "Bengaluru" used in the same sentence. Almost every channel reporting on these two incidents of molestation in Bangalore has the same take: loud, melodramatic and tacky. That, somehow, the city and its citizens have been shamed. What a stupid, thoughtless and typically Indian response to a women's safety story. Shame is inherently about how you are seen and perceived.

And here, then, is my entire problem with the way Indians perceive sexual violence against women. It isn't concern for women and their safety that spurs us into action, but the belief that we as a nation/city/state will be shamed and humiliated in the eyes of others. If cases of molestation and rape weren't reported, we'd just shrug our shoulders, move on and say, "unfortunate girl." Throw a little spotlight on the brutal way men around the country - even the world - treat women and suddenly it is about the way you are perceived.

A woman being sexually assaulted, molested on the street, raped brutally is not a matter of shame alone. Shame doesn't even begin to describe what the assault is about. A woman being attacked is about a country of men that have, for far too long, lived entitled lives, where women are constantly accommodating them so that they don't have to bear the brunt of a bruised ego or the violence of rejection. If you want the nation to have a conversation that will begin to impact change, then begin with questions that probe the source of the temerity that allows men to grope women in full public view, without fear of repercussion. Start talking about why women have to day in and day out, at home and on the streets, take it on themselves to protect themselves and keep themselves safe. Talk about why women won't wear light-coloured clothing if there's a chance of rain, or why we won't hug a man unless he is known to be perfectly safe, or why we cross the street and walk on the opposite sidewalk when we see a bunch of boys hanging out on street corners. Let's talk about ways we can reach governments (who swing into some knee-jerk token action only when this is in the news) to make streets safer. Let's talk about educators and schools teaching kids, if parents can't, that men have no right over women's bodies.

Agency over their own bodies is the first thing women need to be aware of, and it  needs to start early. Only with agency and autonomy of one's body can a woman authoritatively say a firm "no" when she is touched without consent. Only with autonomy can she have enough faith in herself so she can reach out and file a formal complaint. But we start very early to teach our girls that they have to change their lives in order to accommodate men and their lack of control. Why are girls asked to wear bloomers/cycling shorts under skirts and pinafores in school? Why aren't we taught in school that snapping a girl's bra strap is not funny by any means?

Again I ask: why is it incumbent upon women to take care of themselves, no matter how a man behaves? Why do we have mothers who tell us to be back home before dark, brothers who tell their sisters "don't wear this, I know how men think and I know what they'll think if you wear this, it embarrasses me." Leave alone action, look at our language: "let's reclaim spaces", "let's talk louder", "let's not back down". Why is it that we have to do all this hard work? It's hard enough surviving from one day to the next for us. And to top that, we are required to educate, cajole, and patiently talk to men so they understand our point of view, so that we are heard. More often than not, our only expectation is to be heard. Reform and help is so removed it would be like finding a unicorn eating an ice-cream. And many times, being heard without seeming like a virago is what we want; all this while not offending the men we are talking to because God forbid that fragile egos are hurt and confused.

You want to know why women are untrusting when all you want to do is "help?" Let me tell you how trust is built. In a space like Twitter, many women talk openly about issues that are considered soft. Only a very tiny percentage of men will approach that conversation even if it is relevant to them. Don't tell me talking about emotions, vulnerability, PMS, postnatal depression, weight gain, love, loneliness, and several such issues doesn't concern men. It does. It absolutely does. But when you, men, don't engage in conversation about issues that affect women, you actively refrain from creating a space where women can trust you. Two women talking about how to deal with the pain of a period, and you'll find men reading and watching, but never ever trying to understand how they can be better men to the women in their lives, be that a mother, sister, wife or daughter.

Conversations about love and loneliness all get favourited but a man will never come forward to say, "Thank you, that was well said, that was well written." Because it's far too "soft". Then you suddenly talk about women's safety when something big happens. Or when it happens to your girlfriend, wife or child. That's when you have strong things to say. That's not nearly enough. Making a statement when things are being covered in the news is a really feeble way of being an ally. So, what is it to be an ally to the women in your life, and women in general? It is to prove yourself trustworthy by engaging with women and caring about the things that occupy their time, space and energy. Familiarise yourself with our issues just as we have accommodated your issues, and your vociferous expression of your pain in so many ways. Just as we have really made an effort - and continue - to understand and take active interest in the world around us, a world governed by men and built in their likeness and perspective. When you get to know us, I promise you that you will stand up for us against your sexist friends, against crappy marriage jokes on WhatsApp, your locker room chat and your boys' night out sexism.

When you get to know us, and when you start to care is when you will realise the depth of the struggle daily life is for us. And when you start to truly empathise with our everyday struggle of how careful we are in every situation, that we are guarding constantly against more than molestation or rape or catcalling, being an ally will come to you naturally and you won't look to women to educate you. We have enough to do to stay safe without having to teach you stuff, my friend.

Up your game. Don't be a man. Be a person.

(Sandhya Menon is an independent writer and the editor of ZenParent.in)

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