If you've managed to sit through the AIB Knockout Roast without being offended, shocked, uncomfortable or just plain puzzled by the jokes, then you'll probably agree when we say that Arjun Kapoor and Ranveer Singh aren't just thinner, richer and better-looking than the bunch of comics roasting them, they were funnier too.
For an hour-and-a-half or so, the Gunday co-stars took an expletive-laden pounding in which no subject was off-limits. Current girlfriends, former girlfriends, the former boyfriends of current girlfriends - nothing was sacred. Roastmaster Karan Johar got in as many insults as he could, as did the AIB crew. In the 4,000-strong crowd, some looking like they were wishing themselves elsewhere. In the front row, actresses Deepika Padukone, Sonakshi Sinha and Alia Bhatt - all of who were indirectly roasted in the jokes - mustered their best showbiz faces, clapping and giggling at all the appropriate bits.
It was offensive but hilarious. Too offensive, say some. Jibes at one AIB member's complexion was slammed on Twitter as racist to which AIB co-founder Tanmay Bhat responded by pointing out that roasts are meant to cause offence.
After having survived the brutality, the roasted took the microphone. Arjun and Ranveer proceeded to return fire cuss word for cuss word and insult for insult, each calculated to hit where it hurts the most.
Roastmaster Karan Johar was skewered by a graphic reference to the casting couch and outed in grand style.
They directed a barb at those in the audience who had clearly shown up for the wrong party: "The first four rows didn't get that joke because they don't follow the AIB broadcast, they are the free-seaters in a night for charity."
Peppering their insults with the choicest gaalis, the roasted took on the roasters - Tanmay Bhat's girth ("he doesn't have a bath, he has a visarjan "); Rohan Joshi's lovelife ("you dated Alia's sister Shaheen, you are the most pointless addition to the Bhatt family since Vikram"); Aditi Mittal, the only female member of the AIB crew ("your jokes are about male bashing so you're like Karan Johar after a break up"); film critic Rajeev Masand ("I was hoping your jokes would be funny in the second half but much like your life, it was a quite pointless performance"); Ashish Shakya's complexion ("how can I roast somebody who's already burnt?"); 'sweet, virginal' Abhish Mathew; and former Roadies judge Raghu Ram, the jokes about who are unprintable.
Arjun and Ranveer were deeply, deeply funny. Who wrote their material? Why has nobody given them their own show yet?
In the end, the big takeaway from India's first proper roast is this (apart from the fact that Karan Johar is apparently gay, dontchaknow) - Arjun Kapoor and Ranveer Singh, both in need of a box office hit, will no longer be defined by their last blockbuster Friday. They are the new breed of Bollywood hero who "you can judge all you want, hate on and call all sorts of names" - they're going to be 'absolutely fine.'
