The fabulous lives of Bollywood couples, and divorces have gone hand in hand for many years now. The year 2024 was no exception. Except for a term that entered the Indian lexicon: grey divorce. Something that India learnt from music composer AR Rahman and his estranged wife Saira Banu.
What is a grey divorce?
Grey divorces refer to couples, in their late-forties or early fifties, parting ways after spending years or decades together in a marriage. It usually happens when the couples are more settled, their careers are wrapping up, and their children have already left home.
The buzz around grey divorces gained momentum in November, when composer-singer AR Rahman and his wife Saira Banu called it quits after spending almost three decades together.
AR Rahman, known for his musical genius, hardly made headlines for his personal life all these years. His lesser-known wife Saira Banu did make a few public appearances alongside her husband at award shows and functions, but social media pictures aren't the same as real life.
AR Rahman and Saira Banu announced their divorce through a joint statement.
It read, "Despite their deep love for each other, the couple has found that the tensions and difficulties have created an insurmountable gap between them, one that neither party feels able to bridge at this time."
"Mrs Saira and her husband Mr AR Rahman request privacy and understanding from the public during this challenging time, as they navigate this difficult chapter in their life," it added.
Hours after the news of their separation broke, AR Rahman wrote on his X handle that they sought "meaning" in this "shattering".
"We had hoped to reach the grand thirty, but all things, it seems, carry an unseen end. Even the throne of God might tremble at the weight of broken hearts. Yet, in this shattering, we seek meaning, though the pieces may not find their place again. To our friends, thank you for your kindness and for respecting our privacy as we walk through this fragile chapter," AR Rahman wrote.
“We had hoped to reach the grand thirty, but all things, it seems, carry an unseen end. Even the throne of God might tremble at the weight of broken hearts. Yet, in this shattering, we seek meaning, though the pieces may not find their place again. To our friends, thank you for…
— A.R.Rahman (@arrahman) November 19, 2024
AR Rahman and Saira Banu are not alone
In the last few years, Bollywood couples like Sohail Khan-Seema Sajdeh, Aamir Khan-Kiran Rao, Malaika Arora-Arbaaz Khan, Hrithik Roshan-Sussanne Khan prioritised their mental well-being and happiness over societal norms and expectations. All of them have been through a 'grey divorce', which meant letting go of identities which were as much private as public.
Three years ago, Aamir Khan and Kiran Rao ended their marriage on an amicable note. The couple had a happy reunion and lived best of their times at Aamir's daughter Ira Khan's wedding to Nupur Shikhare earlier this year.
Aamir's ex-wife and Ira's mother Reena Dutta was part of the celebrations. Happy pictures of a modern blended family flooded social media.
Later, Kiran Rao talked about her equation with Reena Dutta and Aamir Khan's other family members.
"It comes very naturally to us as people to be inclusive," Kiran said in an interview with The Week.
"We also live in the same housing society. My mother-in-law stays upstairs, Reena lives next door and Nuzhat (Aamir's cousin) also lives nearby. It's because we genuinely like each other as human beings. I hang out with Reena and Nuzhat independently of Aamir, too.
"My sisters-in-law live upstairs and I adore them. These are relationships you shouldn't lose if you get divorced. Aamir and I didn't have an acrimonious divorce; we may have parted as a couple, but we are very much a family", she added.
Psychological reasons
There are various psychological reasons that lead a couple to a grey divorce.
Relationship counsellor Ruchi Ruuh tells NDTV, "The prime reason behind grey divorces is the rise of individualism. Couples, in their late 40s or early 50s, are trying to re-discover who they are. They seek identities beyond the existing ones they have formed around their partners or parents for years. They might have certain suppressed desires or aspirations that they are trying to fufill now."
Ruchi Ruuh also argued that there's an increasing awareness and acceptance of "singlehood" in the urbanised social fabric, breaking the stigma around divorces and grey divorces.
"This older generation, Gen X, has experienced normalisation of emotional neglect to a great extent. All these years, they are taught to earn well, live together, raise a family, keep the society functioning by staying together in a marriage which is actually falling apart," Ruchi says.
With the passage of time and growing influences of social media, old couples are not hesitating to seek happiness even when the clock runs past mid-life.
Co-parents yet individuals
Hrithik Roshan and Sussanne Khan parted ways in 2014 after being married for 14 years. They continue to co-parent sons Hrehaan and Hridaan. The couple always ensures that they are present for their sons' important moments.
Earlier, this year, Hrithik Roshan and Sussanne showed up for their son Hrehaan Roshan's graduation ceremony. Sussanne shared an inside video from the ceremony and wrote, "Where do we go nobody knows... but I gotta say I am on my way.. ' Congratulations my Son."
Take a look:
Seema Sajdeh had a tough time post divorce from Sohail Khan which also impacted her friendship with BFF Maheep Kapoor.
In an episode of the Netflix reality series Fabulous Lives Vs Bollywood Wives, the fashion designer opened up on how her decision of breaking away from a 24-year marriage impacted her interpersonal relationships with her sons, friends and others. The couple also made a rare appearance together on their son Yohaan's birthday a couple of months ago.
Seema Sajdeh and Sohail Khan in an old picture
Seema and Sohail Khan share sons Nirvaan and Yohaan, and Arbaaz is now married to Sshura Khan.
Grey divorces in 2024
In 2024, Esha Deol shocked fans as she announced her divorce from husband Bharat Takhtani in February.
The statement read, "We have mutually and amicably decided to part ways. Through this transition in our lives, the well-being and welfare of our two children remain our utmost priority. We kindly request that our privacy be respected during this time."
Esha Deol and Bharat Takhtani at their wedding
In November, Company actor Isha Koppikar opened up about her divorce for the first time in an interview with Bombay Times.
"I really cannot pinpoint what went wrong... we just kind of drifted apart. It was his decision, he said, This is not working out'. And I said, 'Okay, fine'. Then, we just parted ways. Only mature people can take decisions like these...It was easy for me not to give him a divorce, but that would go against my values. We separated amicably," said Isha.
Isha and husband Timmy Narang share a 10-year-old daughter. Timmy confirmed his divorce in January after reports circulated online.
Do celebrity grey divorces impact common people's choices?
Ruchi Ruuh says, celebrity grey divorces do impact common people's choices as there's "certain aspirational value" attached to it.
"I would like to share an anecdote here. When Yash Chopra's Silsila was released, the conversation around extramarital affairs reached its zenith and people were having extramarital affairs. The conversations, in a way, normalised the thing. Similarly, celebrity grey divorces have an impact on common people's choices," Ruchi shares.
Grey divorces also emphasise a shift in divorce narratives where women are supposed to lose identities and financial freedoms.
"Celebrities like Sussanne Khan and Malaika Arora are living beautiful lives after their divorce, and they encourage women to come out of their forced ties," Ruchi adds.
Celebrity or non-celebrity, no couple wants a broken home, especially after spending decades together. But grey divorces, a rising social phenomenon in India, reiterates the importance of seeking love, compassion and happiness, which can't be dictated by societal terms and conditions all the time.
Grey divorces are not desired but it allows an individual to seek agencies over one's happiness.
