5 Ways To Establish Constructive Communication In A Relationship

Communication is a universal tool. It governs our personal and social lives. So much that gets said and sometimes doesn't get said becomes a fascinating study of 'subjective interpretative dynamics'. Who meant what? We spend most of our lives puzzle solving through various personal, professional, intimate and mass communication frontiers.

Communication is tricky and has a sticky quality to it. Words once uttered are frequently remembered. Communication presents us with the opportunity to find amazing solutions and emerge out of some pretty dark places when our words serve to enlighten and lighten up situations. This is why all significant relationships would be served well by some universally applicable communication guidelines that'll keep the proceedings constructive and get the problems 'solved' at some point.

Also Read: How To Stop A Toxic Past Relationship From Affecting Your Current Mindset​

1) Stick to the issue

Flitting from topic to topic is distracting and feels disingenuous. It speaks of a need to create an uproarious confusion that's geared more at finger pointing and case building rather than problem solving and solution seeking. Frustration can feel like a deeply personal insult and thus can become quite the stifling force, but it's important to stay organised through one's disappointments.

Issues must be solved one-at-a-time. One issue must be solved before another issue is introduced to be solved. This is the only way to systematically tackle challenges without feeling overburdened or exploited. Life can be chaotic, random and unfair and sometimes people are unable to answer our needs. This is common and that is why it's important to give issues 'some breathing space' and to not contaminate the anger over various issues with each other. A problem needs to feel manageable to be tackled effectively. Sticking to the issue is a sure-shot way of embarking on a process of resolution rather than mucking around trying to start a revolution.

2) Beware of the past

The past has a sneaky quality about it. The past, while revealing, can also force-guide our judgements of others and ourselves as we try to spot trends and make guesstimates on what troubled times await us. Human beings are in a constant state of evolution. As new information comes to light, people's habits and needs change accordingly. To communicate with each other by largely quoting the 'evils or trespasses' in the past is a sure shot way to derail what could otherwise be a constructive dialogue. Don't let the past trump the present. Adversity, pain and conflict are universal and it's important to realise that as 'unfortunate' and 'testing' past events may have been, the way forward is best charted out with a 'here-&-now' mindset that deals with facts (not opinions, assumptions or perceptions) and the practical concerns that warrant the most urgent addressing.

3) Express without pointing fingers

It's awfully tempting to pin down a person who we perceive to be our 'oppressor' or the 'purveyor of our bad times'. It's cinematically appealing to 'seek one's vengeance' and emerge as the victor. However, real life is a lot more nuanced. The business of making allegations can seriously damage relationships and create an irreparable rift between people. If one opts to spew venom and 'show a person his/her place' or is keen to really uncover 'how bad they really are' - the chances of reaching an impasse are almost certain.

People seldom enjoy being shoved into a corner or treated like a lesser human being. An attempt at 'tagging a scoundrel' will most definitely alienate the person from wanting to partake in a solution and will additionally rub salt on old wounds. It's important to speak with empathy, clarity, conciseness and a resolve to lay out an invite to 'fix things' rather than 'attempting to get a fix on' the one who needs to be punished. To be facilitative and solution oriented without heeding to the temptation of personal attacks is a solid step to being a communicator who can make a positive and reconciliatory difference.

4) Tone down your volume

Very often, what we say is as important as to how we choose to say it. A loud tone in a moment of anger can feel rather threatening. Threats are frequently met with counter-threats. Threats also invoke moments of rebellion that stretch and cause further damage to relational discord. If communication is meant to inflict a higher degree of pain on the other, then a state of war becomes inevitable. Communication is a double edged sword. It's potent ability to cut open to disinfect & stitch a wound & it's alternate ability to cut open an already bleeding victim makes it a sharp tool of blunt reparation and violence - depending on who's using it. If you shout to make yourself sound important or right, the person in front may go on the offensive. This beats the very purpose of initiating a dialogue that's geared to find solutions. A moderate, intentionally slow and medium tone is the best way to assure the audience that you're interested in finding a way forward rather than escalating hostilities.

5) Set a time and agenda to solve the matter

Sometimes, heated moments need to pass through a much needed cool-down period. This is important so that strong emotions give way to stronger reasoning. It's important to earmark an agenda and present a headline about the topic that needs to be discussed. While this may feel formal and unnatural to many people, it's a sure shot way to ensure that the person in front is completely on board with the negotiation process. If necessary, invite a mediator (like a therapist, reliable friend or mature family member) when problems get severe. It's important to also budget the time devoted to a certain topic so that discussions don't meander on endlessly & everyone can finally get back to their lives. To tie the problem solving process down with an agenda and timeframe is to force one's cognitive and reasoning abilities to do the 'extra work' that's needed for people to find meaningful and sustainable solutions to their quandaries & vexations.

Communication is a promising and a pushy tool. Communication always submits to multiple agendas. To transmit a message in all earnestness may sometimes risk it getting lost in translation or contaminated during the message transmission phase. What was meant is frequently at odds with what was said. Intent is difficult to interpret at times.That's why your communication needs special care and attention so you know that you're making some headway & not going around in circles while beating your head over 'how terrible & unfair people are' & 'how the world owes you so much more'.

Author Aman Bhonsle is a qualified Psychosocial Analyst, Relationship Counsellor and Youth Mentor at the Heart to Heart Counselling Centre, Mumbai, and has been working with international organisations and mentoring the youth for the last eight years.