If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, chances are that you find yourself self-doubting and anxiety-prone, and if you continue associating with him you will find an exacerbation of your anxieties, resulting in confusion, depressing thoughts and plummeting self-esteem. In the three decades of my practice as a relationship counsellor, I have worked with many couples where one is a narcissist, and the signs given below are those that I have gathered through my counselling sessions with them.
So how do you recognise that you are dating or are married to a narcissist?
Grandiose and Entitled
He is into self-aggrandisement and feels entitled to get everything he wants at all times regardless of the effect on others. He might even twist and manipulate facts to ensure he gets his way with you, making you believe you owe him what he demands, and making you feel anxious and guilty for not providing him what you are led to believe that he is entitled to. He does not hesitate in exploiting everything that is yours, whether it's your time, mental energy, resources, possessions, physical energy etc. and believes he deserves it. He uses others, and abuses others, to fill an uneasy and endless void in himself.
Score-Keeping and Fault-Finding
He keeps score lopsidedly, enumerating everything that he has done and everything that you have not, and revels in making a negative inventory of you. At the same time, he blames you for finding fault with him when you express your valid relationship needs, and accuses you of keeping score if you talk of reciprocity in the relationship. For the narcissist, it is a one way street - you give endlessly and he receives. And if you dare to ask for your due - you will be accused of being needy, demanding, and restrictive of him.
Interrupting and Controlling Conversations
He is his own favourite subject, and if he has his way, he is the only one who will have a say in every conversation. He controls the topic of a conversation as he engages in a series of monologues believing that you must be his attentive and hypnotised audience for as long as he wants to speak. If you ever want to get a word in, or talk on a subject of your choice, very quickly you will be interrupted by changing the subject to what he wants it to be and what involves him. The conversational space is unequal, with the spotlight is on him at all times, leaving you feeling you have no space to express or be heard in the relationship.
Minimising and Manipulating
He may make you feel minimised and even manipulate you to believe that you're crazy, that you are 'totally wrong' and 'irrational' and that he is 'totally right' and 'rational', thus creating anxiety and confusion in you, if you so much as dare to attempt asking for a more equal, reciprocal and respectful relationship. He may talk to you and behave in ways that attempt to erode your self-confidence, leading to self-doubt over even your valid concerns and needs in the relationship. The narcissist needs to feel smarter than you, and will do all in his power to retain this power even if it is at the cost of diminishing you and your sense of self.
Argumentative and Swearing
He curses and uses swear words as his usual parlance and is proud of his very explicit language. He can be endlessly and tirelessly argumentative over something innocuous to the point of you feeling mentally and emotionally battered. He fights to win, and if you try to get a word in, you will be shouted down till you succumb. Anger over inconsequential things with no scope for you to explain yourself is the norm if you are in a relationship with a narcissist. He will come up with complicated logic and even twist facts to prove his point by hook or by crook, and at the end of the argument you are exhausted and believe you have somehow wronged him. He will never drop an argument in spite of you pleading him to, unless you are totally and completely psychologically beaten to pulp.
Condescending and Devaluing
He is quick to label you as 'stupid', 'dumb', 'idiot' or find other labels to attack your sense of self-worth. A constant stream of negative comments are sure to come your way if you do not toe his line. 'My way or the highway' is the adage that he lives by in the literal sense. If you somehow try to get your point in while maintaining your calm, he will demonstrate a lack of interest in what you are saying, or will critically correct you or outrightly dismiss what you're saying. His version of the facts has to be accepted as the 'fact' and your version is relegated to a 'figment' of your overactive imagination.
Lying and Guilt-Tripping
He does not hesitate to lie and deny if you confront him with evidence of a misdemeanour, and turns the tables on you convincing you that you are 'crazy', 'insecure' and 'suspicious'. The confidence with which he lies makes you feel guilty, and he feeds on that guilt by saying that you don't 'trust' him and are a slave of your jealousy. He could go to the extent of calling you pathologically insecure, with him being the victim of your insecurities which disallow him the space to breathe and be himself.
Influence and Isolate
He wants to be the sole influencer of your thoughts, views and choices, and if you are surrounded by other trusted advisors, he is quick to allege that you are ignoring his precious wisdom. He then launches a full blown attack to discredit these trusted people around you, ensuring that you are distanced from them, so that he can reinstate himself in the position of sole influencer. He will go to any lengths to convince you that everyone other than him mean you harm, and that you should isolate yourself from them. If you try to defend these others, his trademark rage will exhaust you to the point that you will relent and grudgingly agree to abstain from interacting with the others.
Persuasive and Bored Easily
He can be charismatic, humorous and almost magnetically attractive at the very beginning as he is throwing his charms around. You are drawn to his charm and feel helplessly 'in love', only to realise later that he is capable of dropping you like a hot potato once he has got your full attention and feels secure that you're going nowhere. He can get bored easily once you're pocketed, and may want to go for another interesting conquest.
Romantic and Unaccepting
He romanticises the idea of romance, sees you as 'perfect' and will publicly declare you as 'the one', but very soon will start taking you for granted. He will get snappy and disproportionately angry at your human flaws, and denies you your fallibilities, as they do not serve his self-created image of 'perfection'. Then all that is good is quickly discounted, and all that's not as per his design is highlighted and critically amplified.
Threatening and Exploiting
He might threaten abandonment to subdue any criticism, use 'offence as the best defence', withhold affection, sulk, give you the silent treatment etc., to intimidate you into giving up your stance. He exploits your affection for him by acting like the victim of your criticism. If you stop worshipping the ground he walks on, he might also invest their attention elsewhere, blaming you for bringing this upon yourself due to your inattention to him. The narcissist blames the victims for causing their own victimisation if injury is caused to his fragile ego. If you show signs of independence or of moving out from under his shadow, you will be subjected to hostility, scrutiny, and bullying, till you once again bow down to his self-serving ways.
Not Empathic and Not Remorseful
He is so into himself that your feelings and ideas are not even viewed as valid. He doesn't seem to care if you're hurt because he seriously lacks the ability to imagine the impact of his own behaviour on you. Therefore he doesn't believe he has anything to apologise about. He is also insensitive when you are going through a trying time and need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on. He does not extend himself in empathy for you, and would ask you to 'get over it' under the garb of pragmatism. He believes that kindness is weakness and therefore disallows it in himself.
Vanity and Ingratitude
He is into 'peacocking' and believes he deserves to be constantly admired and affirmed for his smartness, attractiveness and talent. He will engage in extra flashy physical and verbal behaviour around the opposite sex. He might attempt to show off his wealth, physical attributes or intelligence by sporting expensive and trendy wear, and by dominating the conversation. He is unable to handle it if others do not validate his grandiose view of himself. He will not have gratitude for all you do for him, as he firmly believes that he deserves all you do and more.
Blunt and Cruel Honesty
He is blunt, sarcastic, bordering on being rude and insensitive in his communication, under the garb of 'I say it like it is' even if it's in front of others. He justifies his ways when told that you are hurt, and is dismissive of your requests that he communicate with kindness. He will, in fact, claim that you and others deserve to know the nasty truth about you. All your efforts of requesting kind and private conversations will be in vain.
Self-Righteous and Inflated Superiority
He believes he can do 'no wrong', that he has the superior 'moral compass', that he 'knows better' than you, and that you and others should 'follow' his example. He has an arrogance that comes from overestimating his analysing and negotiating abilities. He believes he is 'special' and 'above others' and is deluded with the thought that everyone around him thinks so too. This often makes him look down on people who he views as not smart enough, and he tends to associate with those he feels are in the upper echelon of society. He firmly believes that wherever he goes, he is the smartest one in the room.
Sore Losers and Gloating Winners
He hates to lose even in jest. He is highly competitive and losing an argument brings out the worst in him. He can be angry and vengeful, trying to cut you to size in some other way. If on the other hand, he wins an argument, he will gloat endlessly and speak condescendingly, mocking you while establishing his power and dominance in the relationship. He will go to any extent, and even exaggerate and lie just to win and gloat.
Show-Offs and Risk-Takers
He shows off and name drops about his 'important' friends, and gains a greater sense of self-worth through the 'well-known people' he associates with. He blows his own trumpet about his smartness and smart connections. He might have such an elevated and inflated sense of self that he might take undue risks believing he can outwit and outsmart anyone. He brags about living on the edge with the unshakable belief that he can get away with anything, and believes that he should never ever be denied or curbed.
Arrogant and Conceited
He cannot or will not see his own shortcomings and might claim that his critic is in fact jealous of him. He will be aggressive and abusive, or defensive and introverted in the face of feedback, and will engage in the fight or flight instinct to fiercely defend himself. Loud rage or a total shutdown is the weapon of choice to shut out all criticism. He cannot take any feedback constructively and might turn on you with hostility and vindictiveness, even if you so much as mildly imply that he is being hurtful. Instead he might attack you saying you are attempting curbing his freedom of expression which he won't allow at any cost.
Insult Humor and Public Barbs
He unashamedly shames and humiliates his victim, freely taking potshots and smart digs in the form of toxic humour, enjoying and taking pride in his own dehumanising put-downs, with no remorse for the public shaming. Any attempt to reason with him about keeping things private falls on deaf ears, as he revels in his own grandiose thoughts of having smartly 'put you in your place'. He might also talk about you to others in a humorous yet demeaning way.
Unforgiving and Vindictive
He will hold grudges and keep his anger fuelled, constantly holding over your head something you did wrong, and making you pay for it. He is vindictive and believes that any action on his part, however mean or violent, is justifiable to right a wrong he believes you have committed. He will make you feel like a criminal over the smallest issue if it disallows him his agenda, while he has no insight into the pain he causes you with his vindictiveness.
So if you find your self confidence getting progressively eroded, your confusion and anxiety growing around your partner, if you find yourself doubting your thoughts and feelings around facts staring you in the face, and if you feel psychologically battered and succumbing out of sheer exhaustion, you might very well be the victim of a narcissist.
Dr. Minnu Bhonsle Ph.D. is a Senior Consulting Psychotherapist and Relationship Counsellor at the Heart to Heart Counselling Centre, Mumbai, and has been working with couples for the last three decades.
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