Does Thinking About Someone Else During Sex Count As Cheating?

Unlike popular belief, things are not always black and white when it comes to cheating. There is a grey area - which can only be simplified by having an open conversation with your partner about what and where the boundaries of your relationship are.

So, what are the most common types of cheating?

1. Physical cheating: We've all heard of the phrase 'It didn't even mean anything. I don't love her like I love you.' While this is not a valid reason for cheating, the person saying this might actually have had an entirely physical encounter. This essentially means that there were no emotions involved.

2. Emotional cheating: Many people assume that if you haven't done anything with another person physically, it doesn't count as cheating. That's not necessarily true, though. Say, if you start having feelings for someone who is not your partner and actively build an emotional connection with them, knowing that you're falling for them... Some would say that's a worse kind of cheating than even physical cheating.

3. Revenge cheating: The problem with most of us is that we rarely say what we mean. We might pretend to forgive our partners at times to move on from an issue, but the resentment remains. This resentment is what leads to one seeking revenge at times. It might just be something as small as cancelling a date just because your partner cancelled the previous one or cheating on your partner because you suspect that's what they're doing too.

Coming back to the initial point - thinking about someone else during sex. Where do you think that lies in the above categories? Of course, it has emotional roots, but I'm sure no one in the world has a 100% control over their thoughts, right? We're all only human. But I think what really determines whether it's cheating is how you deal with it. You can either accept it and keep doing it because it makes you feel good - or you can try to understand exactly why it's happening and do something about it. Is the sex getting boring? Is it not creative enough? Would experimenting more in bed with your partner help you stay in the moment with him?

We also spoke to Dr. Minnu Bhonsle, relationship counsellor, and this is what she had to say:

"While thinking about someone else during sex may not be defined as cheating, it is surely an indicator that sex for that individual is more one-sided, masturbatory and autosexual in nature. It is just 'sex' and not a 'sharing of intimacy'. It also means that sex is merely to 'take' and not to intimately explore what pleasures each other and ignites passion in each other. When you fantasise about someone else you are not present in the moment and therefore cannot have intimate memories with your partner. The relationship, therefore, can not evolve into a sensually romantic and passionate one."

If you're reading this because you've had thoughts about someone else while having sex with your partner - don't be alarmed. This does not need to be the end of your relationship. Try finding your way back to your partner by discovering the things you found sexy and appealing about them all over again. It'll take work - but what good relationship doesn't?

Dr. Minnu Bhonsle Ph.D. is a Senior Consulting Psychotherapist and Relationship Counsellor at the Heart to Heart Counselling Centre, Mumbai, and has been working with couples for the last three decades.