What To Do When Your Partner's BFF Is A Girl And It Makes You Uncomfortable

We are in the 21st Century, and the view that men and women cannot have platonic friendships is an archaic one. Gender roles are fast changing, and both men and women have a somewhat level playing field in education, in most professions, as well as equal involvement in the home and parenting. This makes it easier for friendships between genders during the academic years, at work, at PTA meetings and in the playground with parents' of other kids. One must remember that this shift from stereotypical gender roles has changed the view that if a boy befriends a girl it's got to be about sex.

However, this might evoke insecurity and jealousy in you if your partner has a girl as his BFF, ONLY if you are unsure of what both of you share as couple, if you have feelings of inadequacy, if he has voiced his desire for her as his partner, or if you have witnessed an affair by your parent with a friend of the other gender.

Otherwise, there is no reason to worry unduly.

So how do you handle the fact that your partner's best friend is a girl?

1. Get to know her by meeting her one-on-one and ask her about how their friendship began and evolved. You may be able to understand what your partner likes in her as a friend and may end up liking her yourself. This will make it easy to hang out together. If you have any concerns, ask her if she ever had an interest beyond friendship in him. Her answer might help put your mind to rest, and you can focus on the relationship with your partner.

2. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. This means that just as you would like him to respect your friendships and other integral aspects of your past and present that make you who you are, you need to return the favour. We may have many memories with our friends that we value greatly, therefore asking our partner to cut out people from their life for the sake of the relationship with you would be unfair.

3. Ask for special status for you and boundaries that respect the relationship with you. For example ask that both of you sit together as a couple when out socially and not with the BFF.. that when he is out with you for date night, he should not be texting his BFF .. that you be included in conversations and not left out when the BFF is around. Also ask that you be his go-to person for his joys and concerns first, before anyone else, including his BFF.

4. Repeatedly remind yourself that he chose you as his partner / girlfriend and not her. Remember that while they may have common jokes that they laugh about as friends, you too have a special and exclusive romantic relationship with your partner. One can have several relationships that one values, and the significance of one does not negate the significance of the other. If the emotional intimacy and chemistry between you is intact, then no one can ever be a threat.

5. Feel adequate unto yourself. Even if your partner's BFF is an extremely attractive girl, and even if he expresses that he thinks she is attractive, it does not necessarily mean that he will want to have anything more than friendship. If there are things about the BFF that inspire you, like fitness and grooming, you can even ask her for tips. This will serve to keep the friendship a more casual and easygoing one that includes you too.

6. Ask your partner questions without making any assumptions or accusations about his BFF. The worst thing to do is believe the worst about the BFF and say it with authority to your partner. This is likely to upset him and evoke his loyalty as a friend, making him defend his BFF with all his might. It will also turn you into the villain who is victimising his friend. Ask him to talk about this friendship, past and present, while you listen respectfully and with rapt attention.

7. Celebrate sensitivity in your man as someone who can nurture a friendship with a girl. That would mean that he has learned to listen to women's issues patiently and developed sensitivity and empathy for a woman's perspective, which will definitely make him a softer, sweeter and more sensitive partner to you.

Dr. Minnu Bhonsle Ph.D. is a Senior Consulting Psychotherapist and Relationship Counsellor at the Heart to Heart Counselling Centre, Mumbai, and has been working with couples for the last three decades.