Karan Affairs: You Don't Look Lovely And Let's Not Keep In Touch

I've realized that from the minute I wake up and say "Good Morning" to the moment I say "Good Night", the one thing I do consistently is: lie.

Yes, I am a liar. A compulsive, chronic liar. And I will lay good odds that you are too!

Think about it, that first "Good Morning" is probably a lie. What is so good about most mornings? Five mind-numbing meetings to look forward to, stocks that are down, a waistline that's ever expanding and if that wasn't enough, the traffic on Veera Desai Road? 

I don't think so. 

When you say "Good Night", is it any different? There's just tomorrow to look forward to and not even a nice, easy orgasm to pave the way.

So this is what I say: I lie all the time. I also think there's comfort in lying, because the point of my lies are not to hurt anyone else. White lies, creative lies, sweet, generous lies. I am the master of them. And I bet you are too!

Think about it: we wake up and we face the day and we are lying from that first minute. I tried to keep count one day and I lost count.

Because you cannot be completely honest all the time. You cannot, or you will hurt people's feelings. I mean I cannot ever tell the truth when I walk out of a film and I overcompensate. (I have a problem. I'm Miss Congeniality in my head. I love to be loved.) So, now, if I don't say enough at the preview, then I have to tweet about it with many, many exclamation marks. Sometimes I feel I should praise it just enough, because I like that film barely that much, but then I think they might think that I haven't liked it all. And I'm so overburdened with their impression of what they thought I thought that I'm tortured! So I lie. And lie and lie and lie. 

And I think people have started seeing through the lies. I've even seen big filmmakers when I tell them I love their film or their trailer - they sort of smirk at me as though to say: you? You like everything! And they are also lying when they send me messages saying "means a lot coming from you." And I know they're lying too! It doesn't mean a thing to them.

My Twitter account has been hacked by my own lies. And the saddest thing is the films I really love get lost in the slew.

My sole comfort is that it's not just me. Everyone around me is lying for various reasons.

"Oh baby, you were amazing." No. You weren't. And how soon can I go back to Game of Thrones?

"Lovely meeting you." No, it's not. I'd rather meet Donald Trump on an even worse hair day.

"Keep in touch, no? Absolutely!" Hell no. Please go into another universe, die if you have to and also if you will, do die on a day I'm not in town so I don't have to attend your funeral.

"I love what you're wearing!" No, I definitely don't - you have instead been declared the 8th Blunder of the World. 

"Look at you bringing the bandage dress back!" Please take it away again. 

"Oh how fresh you look, had a good vacation?" Does that much collagen hurt? Don't you know that there's little we love more than frozen botoxed eyebrow? 

You must know that being on the red carpet doesn't mean that you wear one. Your cheeks lifted like the Sensex last night. And tomorrow will likely drop the same way. That pout? Look at you, you finally found Nemo.

And of course if you're walking into a film fraternity bash, the lies go out of whack. "Congratulations!", you'll coo but you don't mean it because you're also jealous. You want that box office business that's theirs! You want them to burn in hell because their last box office outing was so much better than yours. And of course you cant say it. So, you (we) lie. 

From the time you open the newspapers to the time the lights go off at night, it's all lies.

We lie the most to the people closest to us. For fear of hurting them, breaking their heart or worrying them. I'm always telling my mother I got something at half-price, because it's just not good for her health (she's Sindhi, remember!) to know what it actually cost. What she doesn't know can't hurt me. But I see those as good lies, as kind lies.

Like on set. When I tell an actor it was a good shot when it was actually terrible and also when I underplay my reaction because I'm worried they'll stop acting after that!                                                                                 
And I know that, equally, I have lots of opinions but if I ever allowed myself to speak my mind, no one would come on my talk shows, no one would star in my movies and no one would attend my parties! And I'm not giving up my social existence for something like honesty. I refuse. Honesty is wonderful, but, I suspect it's also overrated. 

And though I sometimes wonder if I am being fake and artificial, a serial liar if not a pathological one (yet), at the end of the day I sleep better for it.

So am I ever honest? Yes. When I'm in the bathroom. For some reason when I'm sitting on the pot, I am entirely honest. There's just something about  letting it all go that allows me to do the same. I such am a master deliverer of lies that I almost believe  them. Till I'm in the loo - it is my chamber (pot) of truth. (There's a chance I'm full of shit. But then we have already established that.)

The other place (and I draw no parallels!) is when I am talking to, well, all of you. I find that I don't lie about the big things in life. The things that matter. And about me. While I'm talking about myself, I rarely lie: I know who I am, my level of talent, that I'm not the most versatile filmmaker, the person I am. I don't lie about myself because I don't lie to myself. My love or my lust, or my life - those things I don't lie about. I can be completely honest with myself - and for some reason, with a disembodied public that I may never meet! 

So why do I talk to all of you, through columns, shows, interviews with complete honesty, but nobody one on one? To be honest, I have no idea. I know I don't mind sharing my defects, my deficiencies, partly in the hope that some one will hear it and know that they're not alone. I have felt alone (all too often), and if my moments of truth can make even one person identify that's enough.

And with that it's my cue to sign off - the sexy, six-pack sporting, six-foot ladies' man. See? I lied again.

So, come on then, bring on the feedback. And make it sincere - after all, I will know when you're lying.

(Karan Johar is one of India's best known film and television personalities)

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