(Devyani Khobragade is a diplomat and works for the Indian Foreign Service.)
Two months ago, I went for my latest vipassana course in a beautiful small village in Chengannur, Kerala. I was hesitant, not fully ready to undertake rigorous 14 hours of being seated in meditation in a closed cell or a humid hall, or just one meal a day, the voluntary work of cleaning dishes, toilets, and laundry. But then I needed mental strength, clarity of purpose and the skill to be emotionally unaffected while carrying on with whatever life required of me. So I pushed myself and was pushed by my husband, who has observed the difference vipassana brought about in me in the last year.
My apprehensions melted away as I made my way through the beautiful backwaters of Alleppy district and as I finally reached the centre, I was ready. I made my one last phone call home, handed over my mobile, books, pens and writing material to fully be with myself and my surroundings for the next ten days. I was quite happy as I came out of the dhamma mediation hall on the first night, having taken my vows to live a monk's life during my stay there. It's easy to do it under noble silence in those beautiful surroundings and moreover, they are simple and rational vows - I will not kill, steal, lie, imbibe intoxicants, and engage in sexual misconduct.
I sat at the doorsteps of the hall, looking onto the paddy fields and coconut trees which provided the backdrop for the love dance of the fireflies, feeling content. I followed this with a cold shower in the common bath area and went to my dorm and was asleep by 10 pm. I was to wake up at 4.30 am to start my journey within.
And so, I sat in meditation, plodding from dawn to night, battling sleep, focusing for the next three days only on the sensation that my breath created at the entrance of my nostrils - the first step of meditation called
Anapana in Pali. Initially, I was tempted to take it easy since I knew the technique, or skip to the next and main meditation of
vipassana. I was, however, held back through by my responsibility of being an old
vipassana yogini - I was to provide a role model to the mostly new meditators there - I had to sit in the front row which is the norm for old students so I could not doze off, I could not eat the snack that first-timers are allowed in the evening but only drink a glass of lemonade. At least thankfully, no one could see me awake due to the hunger pangs that invaded every night.
So for three days, I focused my mind through the practice of the breath to be able to perform the main task of
vipassana, which simply put, is nothing but observing the sensations we feel in our bodies to their minutest details.
Vipassana philosophy is simple and the method is rational. Every second, our bodies respond to external and internal stimuli through pleasant or unpleasant sensations, and the unconscious mind stores these sensations and develops craving and aversions towards them. When we learn to identify and observe these sensations during our moments or anxiety or ecstasy, we can understand their impermanent nature -
Annicha in Pali or
Anitya in Sanskrit - at the bodily level. Hence we are able to tolerate or enjoy these sensations with the organic knowledge that they shall pass. Since we have that knowledge at the deepest level, we are able to neither form attachments to the pleasant sensations and stimuli, nor develop aversion for the unpleasant ones. We simply observe them in our bodies and our minds, and see how long they last before they pass.
Unbelievably simple and scientific but requires intense practice! I was stumped when I realized that Gautama Buddha had discovered 2,000 years ago what Freud and modern science had rediscovered perhaps only a century before - that our minds store memories and feelings in the unconscious that we have no access to, but that they can manifest through the body. Modern medicine also employs bodily sensations to cure psychological disorders through Biofeedback - a method that involves observing and controlling somatic sensations such as heartbeat, sweating, blood pressure and breathing, in order to control mood swings and anxiety.
The Buddha offered us much more than an access to and catharsis of the unconscious. He taught us a way to prevent further development of craving and aversions, by being bodily aware that change is the only permanent thing in life. That's all there is to the practice of
vipassana. As I sit for fourteen hours and watch the sensations of my body from head to toe, I remain aware that these sensations and feeling, whether pleasant or gross and unpleasant are impermanent - arise and pass away - so why do I need to develop a craving or abhorrence towards them?
Merely being aware of this truth of "this too shall pass" at an intellectual level has never helped me so far. Even now, I don't fully understand how knowing the impermanence of body sensations has suddenly made the desired change of patience, confidence and equanimity in me. But yes, as I sit there observing my body sensations, thoughts that come to me are the ones which I normally would have repressed - but I let them come and accept them as the reality of the moment.
I accept that there is anger towards someone who cheated me, aversion towards myself, feeling of retribution towards someone who manipulated my feelings, or desire for someone or something, for acceptance and approval, fear of failure, and so on. Then slowly without frustration, I remind myself that the sensations these thoughts produce are
annicha and hence equanimity will prevail.
Slowly my negative thoughts lose their power and effect. Being aware of a pleasant sensation that a compliment or loved person generates is more difficult, although I gradually realize that over-stimulation or over-excitement feels physically uncomfortable now - a good reminder that I need to observe the sensations that happy thoughts produce.
Performing
Vipassana, and following simple precepts in everyday life, makes for a spiritual philosophy. I don't need to know if there is a God or not. I live and get results of my conduct in this life itself. I cannot hurt others by not hurting myself first; I cannot generate anger and not harm myself. Moreover, I live my life richer - I experience every single sensation as it arises by slowing down and observing it - whether it is how my foot feels as I step on the ground, or the food that I chew slowly, or the smell of flowers as it hits my nose, or the feeling in my chest as I my see my loved one smile, or the feeling in my fingertips as I wash my dishes or laundry, or work on my computer. Hyper-perception through mono-tasking perhaps! If I focus on going faster in my half-marathons, here I focus on slowing down as much as I can - both being complimentary as they both involve focus on the particular moment.
I can't believe that this spiritual and yet scientific way of living has been available to us for centuries but we have almost lost it in ritualism, dogmatism and communalism. At the
vipassana centre, I could not but help notice that most of my co-meditators were young Westerners or people of other nationalities, with very few Indians. Most of them also performed yoga beautifully in between hour-long sittings. They were obviously making good use of our ancient cultural heritage. What about my young India, I thought?
While I realize that our younger generation probably can't afford to take breaks like this while competing in an academic rat race that they are pushed into early on (at least I was), and that they do get some emotional grounding due to our strong family system, it is precisely because life is so hard for young Indians that they need the spiritual mooring of
vipassana that no amount of prayers whose meanings they don't even understand can bring. What really makes me happy is to hear my five-year-old say that she too meditates sitting quietly and stroking her cat for half an hour every day! Atta girl! She has understood that enjoying solitude and quietness by herself is the beginning of meditation! I really wish more and more of our youngsters would be encouraged to get more spiritual and scientific. I wish I could do more in this direction.
Bhavatu Sabba Mangalam - BE HAPPY!
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