"Veere Di - Who Gives A Flying F**k?" - By Shobhaa De

I was trying hard to write this piece using just 4-letter words. Even I found that tough! Imagine then the daunting challenge faced by the script and dialogue writers of 'Veere...' who've spun an entire movie out of stringing together a bunch of desi and firang gaalis. Yup. That's the film's USP.

Hard to believe that in this foul-mouthed zamana, cuss words emerging out of the perfect pouts of popular Bollywood actresses (on screen) would generate this much heat and lust. Come on... women use gaalis, too. Get over it! Yes... tapori abuses like m.c. and b.c. and chu**** included. Okay? If you are watching this non-film to get cheap thrills each time Kareena Kapoor exclaims, "Oh fuck!" (which is often), hang around any coffee shop, bus stop, airport, office, train station, garden, beach - and you'll hear any number of exasperated female voices uttering that over used, zero-impact word. Nobody faints. Nobody cares.
 As for that contrived and idiotic vibrator/masturbation scene - hello! women also get it off on their own, just like men. One only wishes the scene could have been filmed with a little more humour, a dash of finesse, a tongue-in-cheek reference, a small nod to female sexual self-sufficiency. But that level of satire/sophistication is too much to expect in this clunky enterprise which tries a bit too hard to be on point - whether it's with the (inconsistent) fashion styling or attitudes on parade. The critical first 20 minutes were so tedious, so very dull, I nearly walked out, but remembered just in time that I had ordered pricy snacks inside an Insignia lounge. Why get ripped off twice over after paying the hefty ticket money?

I was still waiting for the sexy, exciting trailer highlights to begin. Where was the much-touted girl gang fun? The glamour thing? Why did the self-consciously constructed 'issues' faced by these four ladies seem so hopelessly outdated and passé? Frankly, reruns of "Sex and the City", even after so many years, are far more entertaining, cool and contemporary. Tragically, even the popcorn turned out to be as soggy, limp and disappointing as the non-existent sex lives of most of the protagonists.

Coming to the hotness meter: the hottest woman on screen (would have loved to see more of her - literally!) was Ekavali Khanna, playing the clichéd Bong temptress "Paromita" in a sketchy role as Kalindi's (Kareena Kapoor) step-mother. That artificial 'cackle' which was meant to destroy her sultry appeal was not required. Coming a close second in the sex-appeal stakes was Shikha Talsania - the only credible, likeable character of the lot. Her personality jumped off the screen, mainly because she was natural, uninhibited and comfortable in her skin. Kareena? She can never be 'bad' as a performer, mainly because she is so 'good'. As an actor, she invariably delivers, no matter how flimsy her role. She was pretty terrific in the scene where she downs shots during the ludicrous engagement ceremony and tells the videographer to delete the footage. She always gets her comic timing right and fans would love to watch her in a rom-com soon.
 Let's not look for deeper meanings, subversive sub-text and subliminal feminist messages in 'Veere...' There are none. It's a movie that, like those lovely frocks superstars wear on the red carpet, promises a wardrobe malfunction which unfortunately never happens.

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After the movie, I headed straight to the Harbour Bar and drank half a bottle of Dog Point, my favourite SB from New Zealand. When even that didn't elevate my mood, I considered the more risqué route. I threw around a few gaalis, hoping that would make me feel empowered. Then I remembered the best performance in the film - Vishwas Kini's as the endearing "Bhandari". And I smiled broadly. I wish the director had focused more on Bhandari and less on drunk gal pals whose lives left the audience wondering what the eff was the matter with these four chickitas that a no-nonsense reality check couldn't sort out? All that forced 'hotness' made me reach for something 'thanda'. That's when I realised how 'thanda' the movie had left me. I sensibly abandoned my super chilled glass of vino...and decided to go home to watch reruns of "Sex and the City".

(Shobhaa De is an established writer, columnist, opinion shaper and social commentator, who is considered an authority on popular culture.)

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